The Problem with Homogenization
or
Giving new meaning to Animal Husbandry
By Bucky Lewis
Police Log April 1st:
Junior Teatbone was placed on one year probation in District Court for continuous habitual cruelty to animals, as well as for aggravated animal husbandry.
Farmer Clive Bartlett had been noticing that his goats had one day all of a sudden stopped giving milk and were acting strange and skittish.
One morning after discovering the gate to the pen was open and two of his females were missing, he followed the tracks and soon found himself at Junior Teatbone's house. Peering inside, Clive saw Junior with the two goats together sitting on the living room sofa with Junior showing the two goats a Victoria Secret's catalogue.
Bursting through the door the farmer confronted Junior as to why he had taken the goats. He was astonished when Junior launched into a diatribe of something about the "good Lord making all creatures equal on this earth, and the fruits of each should be shared". A shouting match ensued whereupon Junior, getting up off the couch and pulling up his pants, started shouting at Clive about "not having compassion for these beautiful creatures and just 'using' them to manufacture milk". Nervous from all the shouting, the two goats started going nuts kicking, shrieking, and in general knocking things about. One of the females', Zelda, even had her garter belt and stockings torn half way off!
Things were getting out of hand as Junior and Clive were wrestling on the floor and the goats were going berserk. In the middle of all this chaos, as the goats were turning Junior's second hand furniture into third rate junk, Prissy Vermouth the Mary Kay representative for the County who had been called to come over by Junior, drove up the rutted driveway to the house.
It seems that Junior had told Prissy that he had a couple of 'ladies' at the house who might be interested in getting "gussied up" and so had she jumped at the chance to spread the Mary Kay word. After all, this could mean a few more points towards obtaining that famous pink Cadillac any Mary Kay representative in her right mind yearned for.
Prissy Vermouth had been a grade school sweetheart of Benny Tucker, and had been his bride right out of school. While she had excelled in home economics, Benny had done well in woodshop, and engine rebuilding. Together, they seemed to blossom as a couple, she getting the Mary Kay franchise, and he running his own skidder.
Things went well for a couple of years 'til one day the fairy tale marriage came to a brown-skid-in-the-back halt when Prissy came home unexpectedly and found Benny in bed with her sister's husband's daughter. Seems the cable had gone out a few days earlier and there wasn't much else to do------.
Benny rebounded and landed on his feet by inventing the first-of-it's-kind skidder with a built in sleeper cab. The patent is still pending.
And that brings us back to the Teatbone house.
When Prissy walked up to the house she heard a tremendous racket inside.
Opening the screen door she walked in and saw Clive and Junior rolling around the floor clutched into what she thought was a "playful embrace".
There they were, rolling around on the lingerie covered floor with skin-laden magazine pictures stuck to 'em.
What was she to think? Prissy had heard stories of "alternative lifestyles" at the beauty parlor, but this, this was something that had never been imagined even in her lively fantasy laden mind.
All of a sudden the two hapless and frantic young maiden (?) goats, which had been searching the other parts of the house to find an exit, came bursting back into the living room like they had been shot out of a circus cannon.
Seeing the screen door being held open by Prissy, they bolted for their escape, bowling over poor Ms. Vermouth and smashing her Mary Kay sample case to smithereens in the process.
When the talcum powder had cleared and Clive, Junior, and Prissy came too, they all found themselves covered in various powders and lotions. Not to mention different hues of reds, blues, pinks and various other colors of the rainbow, as well as a few marvelous pastels. And those gawdawful smells!
Just at that exact moment, Sheriff Andrew Taylor had driven up to the house to answer a complaint of "calamitous noise" that had been brought on the Teatbone residence from a neighbor 2 miles down the road.
Stepping out of his patrol car, he was assaulted by strangely appealing fragrances. Walking into the house he saw the carnage.
It looked like a Crossdressers Carnival Cruise in which the boat had just badly weathered a typhoon.
There the three were, sitting on the couch sipping cocktails covered in every kind of makeup imaginable. It would have been good to be a fly on the brain of the good Sheriff
to see what he was thinking when, after being presented with this scene, he heard Prissy Vermouth say: "Come on in Sheriff and join us, we're just going through the Mary Kay catalogue"…
The two goats had meanwhile decided to head for California and disguise themselves as migrant workers, forever being skittish about anyone touching their teats again....
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