ASK NIMROD ANYTHING
By
Bucky Lewis
Nimrod Snotlockah, a well-known expert on all
things concerning the North Country, answers questions that readers have sent
in:
1.
Dear Nimrod:
While
hunting in the woods carrying a gun, what should I tell my son is the safest
way to get down off a log?
Answer: First of all, you
obviously aren’t that smart. You don’t get down off a log; you get down off a
goose.
2.
Dear Nimrod:
I purchased an expensive duck dog last year, and have been taking him hunting quite a bit. The problem is, I have not got a single duck with this dog yet. What should I do?
Answer: The answer is simple. You
aren’t throwing the dog up high enough.
3.
Dear Nimrod:
I have a
very good and aggressive hunting dog. Unfortunately that sometimes makes him
hard to handle within the home. Occasionally he falls in love with a guest’s
leg. What do I do?
Answer: If your dog falls in love with a guest’s leg, be courteous and have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
4.
Dear Nimrod:
What should
I do when I come upon some tracks while hunting deep in the woods, and I hear a
noise getting closer?
Answer: Get out of the way of the
train stupid.
5.
Dear Nimrod:
If your wife
keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you about your upcoming hunting trip,
what have you done wrong?
Answer: You probably made her
chain too long.
6.
Dear Nimrod:
When
shopping for food for a week at hunting camp, what are the more popular things
to bring?
Answer: Hey, 5 beers have just as
many calories as a burger. Screw dinner.
7.
Dear Nimrod:
What are
some risks on hunting when drunk?
Answer: Shooting at a deer and
missing, then shooting at it again and hitting it in the same exact spot. Also,
waking up on the 5th morning of camp not remembering a thing about
the night before, and YOU are the one wearing the makeup.
8.
Dear Nimrod:
When driving
down a country road in my truck, how much should I yield to a blind pedestrian?
Answer: What’s the point of
yielding? He’s not gonna be able to read your license plate anyway.
9.
Dear Nimrod:
When
fishing, is there a maximum time between catch and release?
Answer: Yes. I believe you can
judge it by the smell. Hardly a smell: break-up. A definite smell: annulment. A
strong smell: divorce.
10. Dear Nimrod:
What is the
most painless way to experience ice fishing?
Answer: While sitting on the ice,
put a basement in your icehouse and sit in it. This will put you out of your
misery, and alleviate the fact that you have NO LIFE, having to resort to this
type of sport.
11. Dear Nimrod:
I am a
former city slicker new to country life and don’t know much about it. What is
the easiest way to tell the difference between a cow and a bull?
Answer: Milk them both and the one
that smiles is the bull.
Nimrod Snotlockah is the long-standing president and founder
of the ‘If it’s Brown it’s Down, If it Flies it Dies Hunting Club’.
He is also an inventor of such popular inventions
as: open-toed safety shoes, tire chains for motorcycles, frictionless
sandpaper, and parachutes that open automatically upon impact.