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by Bucky Lewis The resourcefulness of the New Hampsha Yankee has been well documented over the years. If necessity is the mother of invention, Newhampsharites must be a pretty desperate lot: The snow shovel, snowmobile, washing machine, stagecoach, water repellant cloth, clothespin, blackboard, brimstone matches, television video games, and even the steamboat were all invented here. Take this ingeniousness in the face of hardship with unpredictable weather that ranges from tropical summers to arctic winters and have a personality that is as even as a Shaker's stitch, and just as dry. The following are some of the sayings that have helped the Yankee communicate his feelings. Giving directions: "Road don't go nowhere. Stay's here year round." On being excited: "That boy is wound up tighter than a bulls ass in fly season" About the state of health: "I'm like a dead horse, can't kick" On how to justify not getting married: "Why buy the cow when the milk's so cheap" Ponderance: "Hard tellin, not knowin'" Lack of Intelligence: "He's a little light on the attic insulation" On lack of common sense: "He's nummah than a pounded thumb" "He's got a hole in his screen door" About life: "If it ain't chickens, its feathers" Idleness: "Stand aside and let the dog see the rabbit" "As useless as a Christmas tree on New Years Day" On being thirsty: "I'm drier than a popcorn fart" Getting ready to fight: "I'll drop you quicker than a bad habit" Conspicuousness: "You stick out like a wart on a witches nose" Chatterbox: "Her mouth musta been put on hot cause it spread all over her face" Wisdom: "Never count another man's money" Common sense: "A dog may be a man's best friend, but a cow is more help at the table" Speed: "Faster than green corn goes through the new maid" Getting a clue: "You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance." |