Eureka!... It's a BIG
SUCKA!
Or
Around the World in No Time
by Bucky Lewis
I like to think that most folks are particularly gifted at
one thing or another. Consequently, my friend Monroe "Ratchet"
Faller didn't get his nickname by accident.
His mom said right
after he was born that the reason that she had such excruciating
pain in his labor and delivery was because he came out with a
crescent wrench in one hand and a ball peen hammer in the other.
There was no one in the County who was more talented with his
hands or who had more of a perception for mechanical design than
Ratchet. He became well known for his love of taking things apart
and putting them back together, often times with lots of "pahts"
left over. His biggest invention was when he took his wife's
Eureka vacuum cleaner as well as her Singer sewing machine, and
transplanting the freon system from the refrigerator to develop
the first gas-propelled suction vacuum cleaner that could suck
the blackheads right off a' your face.
Because the suction on
the machine was so phenomenal, Ratchet initially kept blowing
the collector bags in the machine until he hit upon an idea that
was revolutionary. He created a flex-all diaphragm made out of
Mylar that would balloon out and catch the dirt with great flexibility.
The "Big Sucka" with its ability to be powered solely
on the freon gas without electricity, and its phenomenal suction,
was now ready for the world.
Ole' Ratch had a couple of "rustic" friends who definitely
were ahead of their class in the "nummah than a pounded
thumb" department. Let's just say they had been born in
the shallow end of the gene pool. Herbert and Byron were two
local bucolics who were masterful at knowing how to sidestep
real work by coming up with alternative solutions. Together as
a team Herbert and Byron had tried many get rich quick schemes
that didn't work.
Now they saw the new gas turbine vacuum cleaner
that Ratchet had invented and decided to try their hand at selling
it door-to-door.
So off they went throughout the County with
hopes and dreams of getting rich selling the hottest housewives
helper since that curious little off-white hard plastic thing
that vibrated when you put the batteries in.
At first, things went better than expected
for the two. The suction power of this machine was head and shoulders
over anything anybody had in the County, so consequently sales
were phenomenal.
Everything was cruising along rather nicely
until one-day disaster struck.
One morning they found themselves
low on the freon gas that was the key to the "Big Sucka."
Finding themselves in the position of losing a lot of money that
day by not having the coveted gas, Byron had an idea. He told
Herbert about a big cylinder that he had seen the evening before
at a local restaurant where his daughter's birthday party had
been held. He was impressed by how this gas had blown up balloons
so quickly and by how light it was-light enough to make the birthday
balloons float.
So it came to pass that they made an executive
decision, which would forever put them into the history books.
Replacing the freon gas with helium that day, they arrived at
Mrs. Anderson's trailer to demonstrate again the magnificence
of the machine.
Alvirah Anderson had a longhaired Russian Wolfhound dog that
was shedding more than normal, embedding the carpet with its
long wispy strands.
As the dynamic duo was demonstrating the
extraordinary suction ability of the unit on her rug, the long
hair of the dog not only caused the machine to get stuck in the
ON position, but it also caused the motor to rev up uncontrollably.
The contraption, with the motor racing at a high speed and overheating,
caused the Mylar to expand into a growing balloon that, working
its way out through the window, all of a sudden was twice the
size of the trailer.
In the space of just a little over an hour,
the helium filled lighter-than-air balloon-by now three times
larger than the house on wheels it had tethered below, loosed
it from its foundation lifting it up slowly into the sky.
The last time Herbert, Byron, Mrs. Anderson and her dog were
seen was when they were spotted yelling for help out of the windows
of her doublewide as it rose high into the jet stream. The prevailing
winds soon had the house trailer and it's crew heading out toward
the direction of a place called Nova Scotia.
Life is strange.
Little did they know that before these four would be able to
land, that this excursion would be the most legitimate U.S. try
for orbiting the world in a balloon in a long, long time.
