Taking you for a Ride

By

Bucky Lewis

 

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red light,"

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

 

AH YES, summer’s here and the time is right for traffic jams in the streets.

You drop about 2 grand (approximate for a family of four) on a 3 day vacay just so you can sit in traffic in North Conway NH on a rainy day and argue with all the passengers inside your dust-buster Dodge mini-van. Beautiful.

So, to try and be resourceful you “make up” some games for everyone to play as your vehicle heats up faster than Dennis Rodman at a crossdressers convention.

Like spotting and reading the sayings on various states license plates. My favorite one is the state that plays a cruel joke – New Hampshire.

“Live Free or Die” right there at the bottom. Quite ironic don’t you think? Who do you think makes those license plates? Cruel ironies.

Meanwhile here we sit, the speedometer up to a whopping 6-mph, stop and go, thanking the Lord for the air conditioning on this muggy day, otherwise the windows would be as steamed up as much as they were on your Prom night, a very, very long time ago. You ‘sh**kickahs’ from ‘up North heah’ remember your prom don’t you? Ayuh. That’s when you drove the truck as your date leaned out the window to see how many road signs she could hit with beer bottles….

 

The number of vehicles on the road, as well as the number of drivers is increasing far greater than the infrastructure of our highway system. Its no wonder that us Homos (short for Homosapiens) have invented a venting-of-emotion process called the ‘Road Rage’ Welcome to America.

To help ease the pain of driving these days, I have come up with a list of do’s and don’ts that I feel just might ease the pain of what is fast becoming a necessary evil: DRIVING.

·        Never lay on the horn or extend a middle-fingered greeting to a motorist who you see is loading a gun.

·        Never ask a cop who stops you if he’s a member of the Village People.

·        If you come up behind a vehicle where you see a silhouette of two hands on a steering wheel and NO head, you can be assured that you are behind an SC (Senior Citizen) who is desperately trying to get from point A to B. That, coupled by the fact its sunny out and she’s got to wear those oversized dark glasses for cataracts, should dictate to you that you have to pass her AT ALL COSTS!

·        Never explain to a police officer that the reason you were speeding was: “When I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun – you know the one with the serial numbers filed off ­­­-- fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control”

·        In northern New England, it’s a rule that at a four way stop the vehicle with the largest tires gets to go first.

·        Never bring a beer to a driver’s test, especially if you’re 16.

·        Never do hallucinogens at the eye screening part of your driver’s test.

·        Always yield to a blind pedestrian crossing the road, even though you know they can’t read your license plate.

·        Duct tape is not a remedy for a failed inspection.

·        When you send your wife down the road with a gas can, its impolite to ask her to bring back some beer.

·        Never tailgate a car whose operator cannot distinguish between the color red and yellow.

·        Never ride in a taxi whose driver has a suspended license. You might not get to your destination on time.

 

 

·        Be VERY aware and cautious when you are behind a woman driver as she’s taking off her bra at the same time that she’s drinking hot coffee while talking on her cell phone.

·        Driving a 4x4 SUV does not make you immune to skidding, unless you have Firestone tires, then you have an excuse.

·        Attempting to physically make-up after an argument while driving can be particularly dangerous, especially if you don’t have a tilt steering wheel.

·        Even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight, you STILL have to dim your headlights for oncoming vehicles.

·        When you see a pendant on the left-hand side of the road that says ‘No Passing’ that DOES NOT mean gas, so you don’t have to hold it. Unless you are older, then releasing nearer a rest area is important, especially since passing gas at your age is no guarantee.

You have to love a further extension of “Ironies in NH”:

·        Liquor stores are at the rest areas located a few miles north of the tollbooths on highways in NH, where State Police set up ‘non-intrinsic’ road blocks to screen people who have been drinking. And you wonder where funding for public schools comes from in a land that doesn’t have a sales tax. Duh….

·        When you are surrounded by a group of Hells Angels on their Hogs at a stoplight, don’t show off by burning rubber on your little Kawasaki crotch rocket. You just might find that your bike and you are going to be part of their campfire that evening.

·        Although pantyhose are stretchy and resilient, they should NOT be used to tow vehicles.

·        Be aware that some older folks from up north will find a choice parking spot and sit in their cars and count how many people ask them if they are leaving. They do this for entertainment, especially if they don’t get cable.

·        If you run over a dog while driving, you have to stop and report it. You don’t have to stop if you hit a cat, unless you want to collect it and trade it in for a pu-pu platter at the nearby friendly Chinese restaurant.

 

So there you have it. I hope some of these things are helpful and will alleviate the stress and ‘driver’s angst’ that we all have at times.

 

Oh yeah, don’t drive off without remembering you left the baby on the roof..