OLD WIVES TALES by Bucky Lewis IN the old days throughout New England, folks communicated and entertained themselves by comparing different ways to cure the hiccups, headaches, boils, fever, warts, poison ivy and every other assorted affliction, as well as what makes the garden grow bettah, or what the weather's going to do, ayuh. These short sayings were called "Wives Tales". The reason that they were called this is certainly visually stimulating. Home doctorin' was the only thing that folks had back then, so conjecture about medicinal cures created a folk mystique among the masses. Here's a few sayings, courtesy of the book "What They Say in New England", that I'm sure helped save many a life as well as relieve much discomfort for a lot of folks back then. Ayuh. MEDICINAL 1. Eat pudding and milk and it will make your hair curl. (EDITOR NOTE: The Rogaine people have tried to keep that a secret for years..). 2. Trim your fingernails on Friday, and that pesky toothache will be gone for a week. (ED NOTE: Etiquette dictates that you use only your own Buck knife to trim your fingernails with. So when you cut an artery, your toothache will be gone.) 3.lf your eyes are weak, have your ears bored just as you would for earrings. This will make you're eyes strong. (ED NOTE: my ears have been bored for years, but I still have had to take up glasses.) 4. If you are prone to it, wear a piece of red woolen yarn around your neck, and it will keep you from having the nosebleed. (ED: but you might get your eyes scratched out by your girlfriend's Siamese cat.) 5. Wear a tarred string around your neck to keep you from getting contagious diseases. (ED: yea, right) 6. If you want to go to sleep and can't, just imagine two hundred sheep going through some bars one at a time. Count 'em up slow, and it will put you to sleep sure before you get to the last one. It takes your mind, you see. (ED: to "imagine two hundred sheep going through some bars one at a time would ……" never mind.) 7. Some people prefer to sleep with the head to the east. It is in that direction that the earth turns, and they think it healthier to be projected through space headfirst. (ED: Gee, I wonder if Alice Kramden slept that way. "To the moon Alice!) 8. If you have a sore throat, tie one of the stockings you have worn throughout the day around your neck when you go to bed. The sore throat can't stand that, and will have left by morning. The stocking should be tied on with the hollow of the foot next to the throat. (ED: Ghckhhhhhh" sorry, getting all choked up..). 9. The use of tobacco is believed to prevent one's taking diseases. (Huh? times have certainly changed.). 10. If a bald headed man washes his head with sage tea, it will make a new growth of hair come out. (ED: And I've been spending fifty bucks a month all this time on the wrong stuff!). 11. If a sick person itches, he will get well. 12. The sick person that shows an inclination to stretch will get well. 13. Prick a sty with a gooseberry bush and it will get well at once. 14. Carry an onion in your pocket, and you will not have fits. (ED: nor friends). 15. When you have the rheumatism, carry a potato in your pocket. The potato will become hard after a time, and believers in its virtues affirm that this is because of the rheumatism it has absorbed. (ED: If you want to be admired and not shied away from, put the potato in the front pocket.). 16. Eat poison ivy, and it will never poison you afterward. (ED: Sorry, that's a hard one to swallow). 17. The child that wears a black silk cord around its neck will not have the croup. (ED: "go ahead Tommy, it's ok to go up the rope tow") 18. If a young person sleeps with an elderly person the latter will weaken the former by drawing vitality from the young person. . (ED: but now there's Viagara) 19. "I had a great-aunt that used to have the cramp terrible till someone told her to tie a cotton string around her ankle. After that she never had a cramp to the end of her days" 20. Sleep with a piece of steel under your pillow, and you will not have the rheumatism. Heard tell of a woman who always put her scissors under her pillow, when bedtime came, for this purpose. (ED: no rheumatism, just a stiff neck every day.) 21. If your right nostril bleeds, you can stop it by tying a cord tight around your left little finger. If it is your left nostril that bleeds, tie the cord around the right little finger. (ED: And if both nostrils are bleeding at the same time, tie a cord equidistant to both fingers, which would be your neck….) 22. Read gravestone epitaphs, and you will lose your memory. (ED: I think that's just the natural process of thing, losing one's memory.) 23. Put the first aching tooth you have pulled in a glass of whiskey. Then drink the whiskey, and you will never have occasion to have another tooth pulled because it aches. (ED: Listen pal, if ever I was in the situation to have to pull my own tooth there wouldn't be a drop of whiskey left for to put my toofe in.) 24. SNEEZE- on Monday, sneeze for danger; Tuesday, kiss a stranger; Wednesday, sneeze for a letter; Thursday, for something better; Friday, sneeze for sorrow; Saturday, see your sweetheart tomorrow; Sunday, your safety seek. The devils have you the rest of the week. (ED: makes you wonder what a fart in church would bring?) I hope that these cures will come in handy and make your life a much better place to be. How did you last this long without 'em? Bucky Lewis is the author of such well-known NH how-to books such as: "How to keep your rope tight while being towed" "How to save time by sharpening your chain saw while it's running" and "How to ride properly on the back of your buddies snowmobile and not feel odd about it"